Tue, Mar. 6th, 2018, 10:00 pm
Defeated

Tears are falling effortlessly into a never ending pool.
Hopes and Hard work have failed.
Trust and Genuine Effort has been depleted.

No support, No help; just have to start over again!
A new place, smaller place, less options.
Cheaper housing, smaller yard, no dogs!

As heart breaking as this is, it is all I can do.
As much as I don't want to move, I have no choice.
To start a new again...here we come!

Sat, Jan. 6th, 2018, 12:03 am
Lost in Time

I spend each day remembering to breathe,
to look for the good that is around me,
to just smile through the deepest tears.

I spend each day grasping at small pieces of love,
small symbols that all is okay in the world,
and that I can make a positive impact still.

I spend each day focusing on what I have,
how grateful I am for all the many blessings I am given,
and embracing those who are a part of my life.

I spend each day teaching my son:
to love everyone equally,
to try his best always.

I spend everyday waking up,
putting one foot in front of the other,
and remembering those I lost who loved me.

Today I am lost in time,
I forgot who loved me,
and tears have taken over all who I am.

Today I am lost in time,
betrayed by my own family,
torn apart by people I have given all I can to.

Today I am lost in time,
as I struggle to find those I can trust,
and push those I can't out.

Today I am lost in time,
trying to pick myself back up,
and starting again to start over!

Tue, Dec. 26th, 2017, 08:00 pm
Standing on a broken support.

As hard as this is going to sound, years later I come upon this blog of mine, and to see that I was hoping for better for myself and my son...but unfortunately it has yet to happen. I am still single, and now I am not working again, and this time it is me that is sick and trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it.
I guess things aren't just done the way your hoping, and you can do everything in your power to serve and help everyone else hoping that the good karma will come your way one day too. Just don't give all of you to people who are selfish, and greedy. I made that mistake way too many times in my life. Now I am focusing on helping those in need as I can, and trying my best to keep my chin up as I deal with the challenges in my own life. I am not the social butterfly I once was, and I don't go out very often...but I still have a giant heart and a deep passionate soul to help all who need it.

Here's to a new year and new challenges!!!!

Wed, Aug. 7th, 2013, 11:57 pm
A big step for me!!!

Today I asked my mom to loan me $3000.00 This will allow me to pay off all the debt that I currently have, as well as be able to get the things my son needs for school this year, as I don't start work until september and I won't have a pay check until October. It is hard trying to maintain a house hold with just one income and one source of payment for the bills.

I know that life gets rough and tough, and we are never given more than we can handle...but sometimes we have to take the pain and ask for help. This is the one time I have to ask for help...and it is kicking my butt. I hope that eventually I will be self-sufficient and won't require help...but rather I will be able to provide the help to those that truly need it.

well that is all I got for now...ciao!

Sat, Aug. 3rd, 2013, 10:40 pm
Disappointment

Have you ever felt like you are completely failing at something? I do! I kept my son safe from his biological dad for years, because his dad lives a very different lifestyle and doesn't always consider the after effects of his actions. But this last year I gave him 2 chances to be around my son and to participate in his life within parameters (my son doesn't know him); and he did good for the first few months both times...but then he died off and quit trying. When he is single he is around but once he gets a girlfriend he disappears for months. Without a phone call! It is so hard!!!!

My son who so badly wants to get to know this person is falling apart due to broken promises, and lost contact, missed birthday's, etc. What would you do? Would you keep putting your child/ren into this situation? Well I have a court order that states NO ACCESS!!! So I am deciding not to torment my child with this outrageous situation! It isn't fair to him, he shouldn't always have to be the last thought or consideration...he shouldn't have to fight for a place in a person's life. He is only 9...and he doesn't understand everything either. So for now...the book is closed and I get to be frustrated and sad because his biological dad doesn't care.

I hope this is the right choice and I hope that one day he will understand my decisions and respect my choices. If he wants to find his dad when he is older and listen to his lies and broken promises then I will be there to help him find him. I will be there to again pick up the pieces....because that is what a good mom does!

gone for now....hopefully for not as long.
ciao

Sat, Nov. 29th, 2008, 01:25 am
Confusion

Entering a world where everything is new and exciting, yet confusing and scared is hard. I feel like a teenager just starting to like boys again....as I attempt to start dating. Being so nervous about meeting people, and putting my whole self out there out where it is vulnerable and weak. Never knowing what could come from the experiences, and fearing the worst is a habit that has been formed from the past, and those feelings are ones that I am trying to leave behind as I venture out into my future.

I ask myself, “Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?" My answer is the same each time, “No!" So the result is that I need to learn to trust. I need to trust my friends, my family, myself and my son. I need to be able to take a few risks and try for a better life rather than sticking to the life that I know is easy and won't fall apart at the drop of a hat.

I am scared like a little child sleeping quietly but then being woken suddenly with a pee your pants kind of nightmare. It is nerve racking and stressing to think about what to wear, how to do my hair, what kind of make-up I should put on. Who is going to watch my son, and is he going to be safe and secure while I am away for a few hours? Do I have everything in the right place in case of an emergency, and am I paranoid? "YES!!"

How do you change this insecurity that blisters inside of you like a sore that you just want to cut open and let bleed and heal? How do you get past the gut wrenching feeling of puking every time you get a babysitter? Is this the way you are supposed to feel when you need a break? I am going insane because I worry so much about what is important to me and what I am going to do, because I don't want to get hurt, and I don't want anyone to hurt my son.

That little life is mine to protect, is also so impressionable that protecting him too much could cause more damage than good.

Answers to these questions are irrefutable and hard to find. So please if you know a few of these answers, share them with me...in the confidence that I too am human, and that my wounds are so deep a knife isn't long enough to reach to the end of them.

Know that I am a person, whose inner most thoughts are spilling out at the lips, because I no longer can contain all the information being processed within my mind. We are all human, and the way we feel is something that we will never be able to change.

May there be peace with you tonight as you sleep, soundly in your bed, cozily, and warm.

Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:28 pm
Poem: What Life Is!

What Life Is!

Life is a short period of time;
which allows a person time to learn.
Life is a mere creation
of trials and tests.
You fall in love, learn to continue
a relationship with one person.
Using your finances, and raising
children; whom are a representation
of Love between two people.
Not all people are into the same
lifestyles.
Life has many options and the choice
is different for every person.
Not everyone is interested in life's
tolls, and special moments are
different in each person's life.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:28 pm
Poem: The Wrong Move

The Wrong Move

I am walking down the road,
not sure where I'm going.
Just thinking, crying, not too sure
what to do.
New decisions and many lives
depending on me.
Still not knowing how to choose
or whom to choose.
I'm stuck in a life with decisions
to make about my life.
Knowing all it will take is one wrong
choice to mess it all up.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:27 pm
Poem: The Wedding

The Wedding

The true start of your life begins
on this the day of all dreams.
White dress, with blue flowers
circled by family and friends.
Shouting and laughing
flashes going off, people shaking hands.
Here comes the toast
the crying mothers.
Then last but
not least, the kiss.
Now you're presented as
a union of one.
You are now married
congratulations.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:26 pm
Poem: The Missing Part

The missing part

A complete understanding of each other.
No short uncompleteness, just an endless love.
Complications that make it truely unfair.
You are too far away, to share the emotions.
I miss you too much and wish you'd come back.
Lonely, tired and completely sad.
Where could you be, I need you right now!
This pain won't subside as long as you're not here.
My heart is slowly breaking.
Desire is still here, but you are not.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:26 pm
Poem: The Meaning Of True Love

The Meaning of True Love

A trap, luring one in,
only to slowly kill them.
Lonely, needing a hug,
but no one around to give it.

Sleepless nights, leaving you tired,
except when your days off come.
Wanting comfort and cuddling,
yet so far away is my love.

Finally we meet and time hasn't
helped, we embrace and the shine
in the eyes tells all.
It's true love.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:25 pm
Poem: The Love Of Others

The love of Others

To see the light would be a memory,
however I have not seen it.
To forgive the unforgivable is difficult,
but to be forgiven is worth it.
To love with out faith is like dying,
but to be loved is faith.

If you saw an injured man,
would you help him?
If you were called in the middle of
the night for help, would you go?

In all the world there is never a helping
soul willing to help, as much as wanting
the help they never gave.
If love was truly unconditional
than why don't we all help others?


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:25 pm
Poem: The Leap

The Leap

A change in life can bring two
people together for the first time.
They meet and a friendship
develops slowly day by day.
One look, one glance and
only as they see it.
Both wandering into the unknown
blindly trying to find their way.
Never knowing what will become
they take a leap of faith.



Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:24 pm
Poem: The End

The End

There is a darkness ahead
that only I can battle.
The mist, the toture
the never ending darkness.
But is there another
who can have a soul for me?
Tonight I witness
the pain and sorrow.
I saw the death
of me.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:23 pm
Poem: Other's Eyes

Other's Eyes

What is it truly like to be able
to look through another person's
eyes and see things from their point
of view?
Do they look at things from the same
perspective as you?
Are they as open to suggestions as you
are?
What would their biggest dreams be?
Are they wanting to look through our
eyes too?


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:22 pm
Poem: My Shaddow

My Shaddow

As you peer down a path,
where the trees are green,
and flowers bloom; there is a light.
Heading towards it finding it getting
further and further away, you ask yourself;
what could it be?
Not sure, a little bit hesitant you find
your way as you slowly approach the light.
Only now you can see a figure conforming
from the light.
It is you, and you start to wonder how this
could be.
The figure then speaks saying,
your footsteps are not lonely.
You ponder the thought. As you turn to ask,
she is gone.
Now you understand.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:20 pm
Poem: Mistake

Mistake

One dream, one heart,
yet tons of pain.
A persons feelings and
emotions not mattering.
The sorrow felt by one
is no challenge for
another.
Telling one person all of
your feelings towards
them.
Then realizing it was
a huge mistake.
Not knowing or understanding
what to do next.
Wishing you could take
it all back.
Not making the mistake.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:19 pm
Poem: Loss

Loss

my heart is broken
you've left me here
my wound is open
my tears are flowing
as I watch you lying there
no movement, or breath
just the still body

the memories we had
embrace my mind
the fear of never finding
someone like you again
i miss you already
but know you are now safe
take care little angel

my loss is not yours
but mine forever.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:06 pm
Poem: Life

Life

A short memory so far away
of once lived dreams that
never abide.

To sorrow is to lay helpless
in bed, while little blue
fairies flowers are shed.

Yet in desire it all comes
out, you fight, you learn;
but most of all you live.



Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

Sun, Nov. 2nd, 2008, 11:04 pm
Poem: Forbidden

Forbidden

Unknown feelings towards one person
can hurt the heart more deeply
than just explaining your feelings.
To understand fully what life
has instore for us as a couple.
A family of children and an
unforbidden love that grows
stronger daily.
Hardly being able to function
just knowing you can't
have the one you love forever.


Copyright ©2008 Maria Nicole Wannop

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